Cold dead-eyed Jake Conway

“How long was that? Three seconds. *sobs* I miss my brother” — Jake after masturbating in the parking lot

Jake Conway is the asshole "protagonist" of Ride To Hell: Retribution. He is a Vietnam veteran/Psychopath/Chronic masturbator/convicted felon/rapist/terrorist

Description[edit | edit source]

Jake Conway is a returning soldier from Vietnam, the Vietnam where he masturbates in a parking lot thinking he's in Vietnam. Jake is a tall Caucasian male with play-dough for hair. His face is nonexpressive, seriously Joan Rivers has a better range of emotions than him. His hands are gigantic which comes probably from his frequent masturbation. He has an affinity for nameless prostitutes, who, you guessed it, are figments of his imagination as he spanks his wank in the parking lot.

He is normally depicted as a ruthless killer, but when engaging in conversation with women, Treating them with the most respect, he loses his usual demeanor and is reduced to a stuttering, confused husk of his former self.

Adventures[edit | edit source]

Jakes main quest in life is to avenge the death of his little brother Mikey. He does this by prostitutes, selling drugs and murdering cops. The rival gang who killed Mikey is mostly comprised of incompetent clones of Jake or just the same three character models all together.

Gallery[edit | edit source]

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Some say that Jo Wood designed Jake, but Jo Wood dismissed this by saying:"This pizza is talking to me." He may have been talking about Nate.
  • Jake loves motorcycles, but doesn't know how to ride them.
  • It's unconfirmed whether he was in Vietnam or just masturbating someplace.
  • He likes to murder random cops, for Mikey of course.
  • He also sells drugs.....for Mikey.
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